Content Warning: Death, suicide mention, drug addiction.

 

Shortly after my 14th birthday, I experienced one of the most traumatic moments of my life. My mom, two siblings, and I came home to find my father dead on the couch, passed away from a heart attack. It took a moment for the gravity of the situation to sink in completely — my dad was dead. When I finally processed the information, my sister and I locked eyes from across the room and immediately started bawling. My entire world crumbled before me in the blink of an eye. Everything we had built together, everything my family had worked for, gone in an instant. Change came rapidly! Being the oldest, I was quickly forced to become a man. I had to grow up early, and assume the “man of the house” role long before I should have had to. 

My siblings and I moved two weeks later to Provo, Utah, a place that was completely foreign to us at the time. We didn’t know anyone, and I was expected to start high school only two days after moving there. I was full of despair — how was one supposed to recover from such a traumatic experience on top of so much change? Two years passed, and the weight of trauma only got heavier. I became increasingly involved with substances. It seemed that I welcomed anything that numbed the pain — from marijuana to crack, opioids to acid, the list goes on and on. My relationships slowly diminished, and I struggled academically. I couldn’t find meaning anymore. Life seemed too painful to continue.

When I turned 18, I decided to clean up my life and prepare to serve a religious mission. I was asked to serve in Detroit, Michigan, for two years. I was eager to leave my past behind me and look forward, hopeful that joy would come with serving my God. However, two weeks before I was supposed to leave, I relapsed. With my mission in jeopardy and nearly everything at stake, I was too afraid to speak up. I left to serve my mission. I was able to keep my head above water for a few months, but eventually the pain I had been numbing returned, and I became extremely suicidal. With an attempt to take my own life, the seriousness of my actions was reported, and I was sent home immediately. 

Coming home destroyed me! My depression accelerated rapidly, and I attempted suicide again, which left me hospitalized. After recovering, I was transferred to a psych ward in Salt Lake City, where I stayed for a period of time. As time passed, things got a little better but only by a matter of degrees. I still severely battled with suicidal ideation and depression, and drugs were the only cure I could find. I knew that even though I was still using drugs, I at least didn’t want to die anymore. I eventually started meeting with a psychologist who changed my life for the better. He helped me through my addiction, depression, and suicidal ideation. I will never forget the day when I sat down in his office and told him, “I can’t be fixed; I am too far gone.” After chuckling slightly, he looked at me sternly, and with a calm voice he promised me that I would get better and I would overcome these obstacles. 

Time progressed, and I eventually decided to enroll at Utah Valley University and pursue cinematography and film. Neither of my parents had finished their education, and my dad always struggled to keep jobs while raising us. Watching this through my youth, I promised myself that I would finish my education so I could provide my future family with stability. Following my first year of college, I realized that making a career out of film wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted something different! I wanted to be an individual who helped people overcome addiction, an individual who could breathe hope into the lives of individuals who had none and help stop suicide — all because someone had done that for me. Upon this realization, I changed my major to psychology and began pursuing that life calling.

 

 

UVU’s open enrollment gave me the hope I needed to succeed. When I first began applying to colleges, I truly believed that no school would accept me or want me. I assumed they would see my high school GPA or discover how much I struggled with substances and reject me before even meeting me in person. But UVU was different. This university accepted me for who I was and helped me progress in ways I had only dreamt of. Being enrolled at UVU gave me a fighting chance at pursuing my dream. It has provided me with the perspective, the education, and the skills I need to help other people out of a place I used to be in.

I graduated with a bachelor’s in psychology in December of 2018. I am now completely sober and have been working with youth for the past three years who are also working to overcome addictions. In my last semester, I was accepted to APA, the American Psychological Association, one of the biggest psychology conferences in the world. I will be pursuing my Ph.D. at a later date, but for now, I’m focusing on my fiancé, who I proposed to earlier this year. We are happily engaged and will be married in the fall of 2019. I look forward with excitement to what the future has in store for me.