Are you struggling to communicate with your partner? There are things you can do at home RIGHT NOW to potentially improve how you interact with your significant other. Here is one major shift in mindset that can have an enormous impact on your relationships!
There is a concept in relationship research called “Bids for Connection.” Essentially, a “Bid” is anything a couple does to call for attention, to ask for affection, and to otherwise connect as a couple (Navarra & Gottman, 2018). These are the daily ways in which we turn to our partner, our attempts to connect in the small and big ways. Bids for connection can be both verbal and non-verbal. Here are a few examples of what a bid for connection may look like in real life:
- “How was your day?”
- “Want to go to the store with me?”
- “Check out this meme!”
- “I just reached a new level in my video game!”
- “Have you ever noticed how we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?”
- Going in for a hug
- Taking a walk around the neighborhood together
- Making a funny face during a movie
When our partner makes a bid to connect we have 3 ways of responding: we can either turn towards, turn away or turn against. When we turn towards our partner we respond to the bid to connect and we demonstrate interest, support, and love.
Example: When a partner comes home from work and states, “I’m exhausted!”
- Turn toward: “I’m sorry you have had a long day, how can I help?”
- Turn away: “I had a long day too”
- Turn against: “So what, do you not think I’m exhausted too?”
When our partner makes any bid, whether overt or covert, we can consciously choose to connect or push away. To turn away from our partner is to not acknowledge their experience, return affection, or dismiss them. To turn against our partner is to respond to the bid with contempt.
Bids for connection can be a great start to improving connection with your partner and provides a stronger foundation to building a happy relationship. Researchers have found that excellent relationships have something in common: they maintain a minimum ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
Five good for every one bad. Here’s that math in action. Snub your partner’s bid for connection at breakfast (-1)? An excellent partner has already made the bed in the morning (+1), then sends them a thoughtful text while at work (+1), is ready to connect by asking how their day was when they get home (+1), shares a hilarious cat video (+1), and tells them they’re happy to be together (+1). This seems like a lot, but most couples are already making hundreds of bids every day - one study found that a couple can easily make over 100 bids over the course of a single meal (Ury, 2024)! That means that strong relationships need to intentionally work on having more positive communication than negative (we get it, that’s actually easier said than done)!
Once you learn to look at communication from other people as an attempt to forge stronger connections, you will see bids all around you! Marriage and family researchers John and Julie Gottman found that relationship “masters” respond to these bids over 85% of the time, while relationship “disasters” only respond to bids for connection 33% of the time. So if you want to start improving your relationships, practice looking out for the bids being made to you and intentionally respond to them!
Disclaimer: The provided information does not replace expert therapy support. Please seek a professional for additional relationship help. While many couples find this communication advice helpful, please keep in mind that trying to build skills can become overwhelming or can fail to address underlying issues in a relationship; please keep that in mind and consider whether this content is appropriate for you and your relationships.
References:
Benson, K. (2024, June 26). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Brittle, Z. (2024, June 25). Turn towards instead of away. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
Durham, J. (2011). Relationships: Bids for connection. https://www.peps.org/files/bids-for-connection
Navarra, R.J., Gottman, J.M. (2018). Bids and Turning Toward in Gottman Method Couple Therapy. In: Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Breunlin, D. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8_183-1
Ury, L. (2024, June 25). Want to improve your relationship? start paying more attention to bids. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/
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